“Why do people have to be this lonely? What’s the point of it all? Millions of people in this world, all of them yearning, looking to others to satisfy them, yet isolating themselves. Why? Was the earth put here just to nourish human loneliness?”
― Haruki Murakami (Sputnik Sweetheart)
“Most men lead lives of quiet desperation.”
— Henry David Thoreau
What Real Connection Feels Like (and Why You Miss It)
Loneliness isn’t just something we feel when we’re alone. It’s something we carry, even in the middle of busy lives. And for a lot of men, it’s become the heaviest thing we never talk about.
How many people know you? I don’t mean how many people know your name or how many people are aware of you. No, how many people truly know you?
Every day, you show up, handle your responsibilities. You get through the day, smile when expected, and always say you’re fine.
People are everywhere, but it still feels like no one really sees you.
If this sounds like you, don’t you sometimes wonder if something is wrong with you? “Maybe I’m just bad at this. Maybe I’m too needy. Maybe people just don’t like me that much.” That unanswered desire for real connection… it hurts, doesn’t it?
But it’s not just you. It’s the system we were raised in.
Loneliness is hitting men hard. In fact, some call it a male loneliness epidemic, a silent crisis in men’s emotional health. It’s not a topic we talk about a lot, but it’s happening everywhere.
And it’s costing us dearly.
When we push our emotional needs for connection aside long enough, they don’t disappear. Instead, they can harden. Into cynicism, addiction, working nonstop, or withdrawal. And we start calling that “normal.” We may even convince ourselves it is normal. You know, just how life works. But it’s not. It’s just what happens when we forget we were built for connection.
I explore this more in How to Build Emotional Strength and Stay True to Yourself.
The Quiet Epidemic of Male Loneliness
The increase in loneliness isn’t just a feeling. It’s a widespread problem backed by hard numbers.
Recent studies show a disturbing rise in loneliness among men. According to the Survey Center on American Life, 15% of men now report having no close friends at all. That’s five times higher than it was in the 1990s. And among younger men, the numbers are even worse: two-thirds of Gen Z men say, “No one really knows me.”
Two-thirds. Let that number sink in for a moment. Isn’t that incredibly sad?
And I have to admit: it’s true for me as well. I can count the number of deep male friendships I have on zero fingers. I have acquaintances and surface friendships. I’m grateful that I have a wife I can talk to. Without her, there’d be no one who really sees the full picture of me.
And that’s not just sad, but also dangerous.
“Loneliness doesn’t just weigh on the heart—it weakens it.”
Loneliness isn’t just an emotional burden. It’s a health risk, too. Chronic loneliness has been linked to increased risks of heart disease, stroke, dementia, depression, and early death. Men, who are already less likely to seek out help for mental health issues, often carry this weight alone until it becomes unbearable. Life gets hard when there’s no one to talk to. Loneliness doesn’t just weigh on the heart, it also weakens it.
There’s a reason suicide rates are nearly four times higher in men than in women.
Why Men Struggle With Connection
So why are so many of us feeling this way?
For a start, we weren’t taught how to build and maintain deep friendships. From a young age, boys are socialized to value independence over interdependence, and performance over vulnerability. We’re told to toughen up, to compete, to lead, but rarely to open up. How often were you encouraged to cry or to talk about your feelings until you felt fully seen? I can’t remember any moments like that, in any context of my childhood.
In her book Platonic, psychologist Marisa Franco writes: “Men are taught that their worth is contingent on their performance, their power, their status. But true connection thrives on vulnerability.”
You can see how that’s creating a problem, don’t you?
The way we’re trained to do life makes vulnerability in men feel like weakness, even though it’s the key to deeper connection. We’re told that asking for help is unmanly, and that expressing emotion is embarrassing. Even when we want deeper friendships, we don’t know how to create or keep them, because no one taught us how to let ourselves be known. We don’t know how to express what we need or what we want from others.
And the tricky thing is: these ‘others’ often struggle the same way, even if you don’t know it because they don’t show it, either. Both people are longing to connect, neither knowing how to go first.
I remember so many gatherings and parties, surrounded by guys I’d known for years, laughing at jokes and talking sports, but feeling like I could vanish and no one would notice. We’d shared beers, not feelings. I felt completely replaceable. Unseen. And deep down, I knew I wanted more. But I didn’t know how to ask.
Social media hasn’t helped either. We ‘know’ more people than ever before. We call all these contacts ‘friends’. It gives us the illusion of connection without any of the substance.
It encourages comparison and competition, not closeness. It may feel kind of nice, initially. And there’s not necessarily something wrong with it. But as we age, these surface friendships often peter out, especially if we lack the tools or time to nurture them.
Funny thing is, years ago I ran a Facebook page about emotional health for men. It grew fast. People shared, commented, messaged. I was the ‘expert. ‘ But still, I didn’t have those kinds of conversations in real life.
The Emotional Cost of Pretending You’re Fine
“You can’t go around the pain—you have to go through it.”
— Cheryl Strayed (Dear Sugar)
But connection isn’t just hard because of how we’re socialized. It’s hard because of the roles we’re expected to carry.
As men, we’re often expected to be the steady ones: the providers, the problem-solvers, the emotional anchors. It’s how we were raised. It’s how our fathers and grandfathers were raised. But while it may have worked for them, times have changed. Now, strength means being steady and emotionally present. It’s a taller order, and a heavier one.
And what happens when you’re the one who needs support?
“Sometimes loneliness doesn’t feel like sadness—it feels like nothing at all.”
Many of us have experienced the loneliness of responsibility. Of carrying the emotional and logistical weight of our households. Of trying to stay strong for a partner, for children, for aging parents. And feeling like there’s no one holding us.
The hardest thing isn’t the doing, but the pretending you’re fine while doing it all.
In my own life, I’ve felt this deeply. The ever-present financial pressure. The emotional load of keeping a family afloat, with a wife dealing with chronic illness and a neurodivergent son. The challenges of keeping our life fun and romantic, healthy and interesting. It’s a lot. More than once, I’ve cried alone in the car or screamed into pillows – and then put on a smile and a brave face before rejoining the family. I’ve told friends I was fine when I wasn’t. Because I didn’t know how to say, “I need someone.” Or because I didn’t dare to believe they’d care, and I didn’t want to be a bother.
Sometimes, I wished someone would notice. That a friend would catch the hesitation in my voice or ask again when I said I was “fine.” That they’d stay with the silence long enough for the truth to come out. But no one ever did, and I didn’t know how to let them.
I dive deeper into this pressure to hide and perform in Why People-Pleasing Is Holding You Back as a Man.
After a while, the silence stops being something around you and starts being something inside you.
And that silence inside? It doesn’t always feel like sadness. Sometimes, it feels like nothing at all. Numbness. Exhaustion. Disinterest. You scroll your phone for hours, not because it’s fun, but because you don’t know what else to do, or because at least it distracts you from the lurking anxiety. You get snappy or cold with the people you love, not because you don’t care, but because the emptiness is so loud you don’t know how to be present.
That numbness bleeds into your relationship too. You stop reaching out. You stop responding. You’re there but not really. And after a while, that disconnection becomes mutual.
This is what unspoken loneliness can become: a complete withdrawal from life. So that’s why naming it matters so much.
Connection Isn’t a Luxury, But a Lifeline
“We are born in relationship, we are wounded in relationship, and we can be healed in relationship.”
— Harville Hendrix
It’s easy to believe loneliness is just part of being a man, but it really doesn’t have to be. Sure, independence can be a male strength, but that doesn’t mean you have to do everything alone.
Connection is not an optional extra. It’s a core part of emotional strength and emotional resilience. It’s what gives us resilience. To put it bluntly: It’s what makes life worth living.
“You can’t fix loneliness in a day. But you can start breaking the silence.”
Everyone wants to be seen. Everyone longs to be known. None of this means that you can’t enjoy being alone or doing things independently.
Real friendship isn’t about constant contact. It’s about consistent mutual care and emotional intelligence. It’s someone checking in after a hard day. It’s knowing someone would notice if you disappeared. It’s being able to say “I’m not okay” without being left on read.
You can’t fix loneliness in a day. But you can start breaking the silence today.
You don’t have to spill your guts, and suddenly become the most open man in the room. But you do have to start showing up in small, real ways. That’s how trust is built. That’s how loneliness cracks open just enough to let someone in.
Let’s look at some examples of things you can start doing. These aren’t grand gestures. Just real steps you can take, some quiet, doable ways to start reconnecting:
- Practice honestly knowing yourself. Allow yourself to admit what troubles you, or excites you, or confuses you. Only once you know yourself better can you be known better by others as well.
- Reach out to a friend you haven’t talked to in a while.
- Be a little more honest the next time someone asks how you’re doing.
- Join a group where depth is welcome. Maybe a men’s circle, a support group, a book club, or a recovery space.
- Trade screen time for face time. Real conversations, even short ones, can start to shift everything.
- Notice the stories you’ve inherited about what it means to be a man, and question them.
- Practice small risks in conversations. Say something a little deeper, a little more honest than you usually would.
- Find a way to reconnect with old friends through shared memories or a simple message: “I was just thinking about you.”
It’s not about having dozens of close friends. Sometimes, one or two is enough. The important thing is that they are real.
Yeah, it may be awkward. Yes, you may feel unsure. That’s to be expected. Do it anyway.
You’re Not the Only One
“We’re all just walking each other home.”
— Ram Dass
The loneliest thing about loneliness is believing you’re alone in it. But you’re not. This is a widespread, invisible struggle that many of us are carrying in silence. There’s nothing weird or weak about wanting connection. There’s nothing unmanly about needing others.
You don’t need to continue like this, because real connection is possible.
It starts with telling the truth. Even just a little more than you did yesterday. That one message. That one honest answer to “How are you?” That’s the door cracking open. And what’s on the other side isn’t just connection. It’s relief.
If this post resonated with you, you’re not alone. Leave a comment, share it with someone, or just send it to the version of yourself who needed this ten years ago. That still counts as connection.
Frequently Asked Questions about Men and Loneliness
Is it normal for men to feel lonely, even with a family or partner?
Yes. Many men feel emotionally isolated even when surrounded by people. This often happens when emotional needs go unspoken or unmet for a long time.
Why is it harder to make friends as an adult?
Adulthood comes with time constraints, career demands, and family responsibilities. Without intentional effort, friendships can fade. Especially if you move to a new city or country (like I did), it can be hard to find an opening, to find a place where friendship groups haven’t already been established – or to find those other people who are looking to connect.
How do I start building real friendships?
Start small. Be more honest. Be consistent. Shared vulnerability builds trust over time. It’s not about being perfect, but about being real. To be known, you’ll have to show yourself as YOU.
Can therapy help with male loneliness?
Absolutely. Therapy can help you explore your relationship patterns, understand attachment styles, and develop new tools for connection. If you don’t connect well with your first therapist, don’t hesitate to move on to the next one, until you find someone you feel comfortable opening up to. I spoke to four other therapists until I felt like I had found the right one.
Where can I go if I don’t know who to talk to?
Look for men’s groups, local meetups, or online communities that foster open and respectful dialogue. Connection doesn’t have to start big. It just has to be genuine.
What if I’ve lost all my old friends? How do I start over?
Don’t panic. You’re not starting from zero. Connection starts small. Start by building consistency with new people. Attend something regularly, say yes more often, and let connection grow over time.
Is it weak to want more emotional connection with male friends?
Not at all. It’s human. I want that too! More and more men are realizing that friendship isn’t just for fun. It’s foundational to emotional health.
What if I don’t feel like I have anything to offer?
So many people believe that about themselves. Someone has to be brave enough to reach out anyway. Because you do have a lot to offer. Your presence, your honesty, your listening ear? They matter more than you think.
What’s the role of emotional intelligence in overcoming male loneliness?
A big one. Emotional intelligence helps you understand and express your feelings, read others more accurately, and form deeper, healthier relationships. It’s a key skill in breaking out of isolation.
Related reading:
How to Build Emotional Strength and Stay True to Yourself
How to Get Out of Your Head and Back Into the Moment
Why People-Pleasing Is Holding You Back as a Man
Redefining Masculinity: What it Meant to Be a Strong Man Today
Elsewhere:
Visit the website of Dr. Marisa G. Franco, expert in human connection.
Watch a TED talk by writer Jonny Sun: ‘You Are Not Alone in Your Loneliness’
Watch a TEDx talk by healthcare tech entrepreneur Will Wright on YouTube: ‘Loneliness is Literally Killing Us’
Read the article ‘Male Loneliness: The Unspoken Struggle’ on Talkspace
If you’re feeling overwhelmed or hopeless, please know help is available. You’re not alone. In the U.S., call or text 988 to reach the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline—24/7, free and confidential.
Dennis is the main writer behind A Different Kind of Brave, where he explores masculinity, emotional resilience, and the quiet courage it takes to show up fully in life. Originally from the Netherlands, he now lives in Florida with his wife, son, and two dogs.