A Beginner’s Guide to Healthy Masculinity

Start where you are. You don’t have to be perfect—just present.

What does it mean to be a man today?

“I think it’s time to take a step back and ask, what does being a man actually mean to me?”
— Terry Crews

If you’ve ever felt like you didn’t quite fit the mold—too emotional, too quiet, too unsure—you’re not alone. Many of us were handed a script that said: be tough, be independent, don’t cry, don’t talk too much, and don’t show weakness. But what if that script was never meant to fit who we really are?

For the longest time, I tried to live up to the traditional expectations of manhood. I felt like my sensitivity was something to hide, something to overcome. In my childhood, my tears were a source of shame. As an adult, my desire to talk about my feelings made me feel like something was wrong with me. Other men didn’t seem to share this need, so I learned to adjust: push those feelings back, and keep conversations on the surface. Bit by bit, I changed myself to fit into this mold of traditional masculinity, and in the process, I made myself disappear. It didn’t work for me—and I know I’m not alone. And pretending it did almost broke me.

Thankfully, we’re living through a cultural shift. The old blueprint for masculinity is breaking down. And while that’s good news, it also leaves many of us wondering: If not that, then what?

That’s what this post is here for. Not to give you another rigid rule book, but to offer a place to start. A few ideas to help you reconnect with yourself, relate to others more honestly, and redefine what strength actually looks like. It worked for me. I’m confident it can help you too.

What Is Healthy Masculinity?

“You can’t be strong if you’re afraid to be vulnerable.”
— Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson

Healthy masculinity doesn’t mean rejecting strength—it means redefining it. Instead of being about domination, silence, or performance, it becomes about emotional presence, integrity, and connection.

It doesn’t ask you to stop being a man. It just asks you to stop cutting yourself off from the parts of you that make you fully human: your emotions, your needs, your creativity, your empathy.

It’s not about becoming soft or losing your edge. It’s about having the courage to show up with your full self—even the messy parts.

In my post Redefining Masculinity: What it Means to Be a Strong Man Today, I defined healthy masculinity like this:

Healthy masculinity is the practice of being grounded in self-awareness, emotional honesty, integrity, and strength—not defined by domination or suppression, but by the capacity to be present, accountable, and caring toward oneself and others. It supports the development of emotional depth, personal responsibility, respectful relationships, and the freedom to be fully human.

5 Pillars of Healthy Masculinity (With Examples)

“Vulnerability is not winning or losing. It’s having the courage to show up when you can’t control the outcome.”
— Brené Brown

1. Feel Without Shame

That constant feeling of pressure and anxiety? Those are often unfelt feelings.

I was always feeling tense, always anxious deep down—trying to go about my days and appear happy and ‘normal.’ But now and then, the pressure would get too much and leak out disguised as an outburst of anger or frustration. One day, alone in my car, I let out a roar of rage just to get rid of some of that pressure. I screamed until my throat hurt. It felt silly, but also good. It took several days until my voice recovered fully. I realized this wasn’t the way to go.

“Strength isn’t what you show others. It’s what you allow yourself to feel when no one’s watching.”

You don’t need to justify your feelings, hide them, or apologize for them. Sadness, fear, grief, frustration—they’re not signs of weakness. They’re signs that you’re alive. Suppressing these emotions can lead to isolation and disconnection, contributing to the male loneliness epidemic.

The work here isn’t to stop feeling. It’s to build the capacity to stay present when those feelings show up. Acknowledge them, don’t push them away. That’s where real strength is built.

Strength isn’t what you show others. It’s what you allow yourself to feel when no one’s watching.

2. Own Your Story

You don’t have to pretend you’ve got it all together. You don’t need to perform some version of yourself to be worthy of respect.

Owning your story means being honest about where you’ve struggled, what you’ve learned, and where you want to grow. That honesty becomes a foundation for trust—with yourself and with others.

The mask might protect your pride, but it strangles your connection.

True connection is built through emotional honesty—with yourself, and with the people you care about. You don’t need to have all the answers. You just need to show up honestly.

3. Protect Without Controlling

One of the most powerful things a man can be is a safe presence. Not dominating, not intimidating, but steady, strong, and respectful.

You don’t need to be the loudest guy in the room. Just the one who shows up with his eyes open and heart on.

Sometimes that means standing up for others. Other times it means listening without trying to fix. Either way, your presence can become a source of calm instead of fear.

4. Connect Before Competing

Too many of us have been taught to see other men as rivals instead of allies. But connection is where growth and healing happen.

When we celebrate each other’s wins, show up with support instead of sarcasm, and offer real encouragement, we don’t just help others—we also become more fully ourselves.

You don’t lose anything by lifting someone else up. You expand what’s possible for everyone.

5. Grow, Don’t Perform

Healthy masculinity isn’t about finally “getting it right.”

It’s about being real. Being human. And letting yourself evolve over time.

I still catch myself trying to “look strong” when I feel anything but. But the difference now is: I notice it. And I can choose something different. When you drop the act and choose authenticity, you make room for change—not because you’re broken, but because you’re worthy of becoming more whole.

4 Masculinity Mistakes That Keep You Stuck

Even with the best intentions, it’s easy to fall into traps—especially when you’re unlearning old habits and navigating a new way of being. These aren’t failures. They’re just detours. Spotting them makes it easier to shift direction.

1. Overcompensating

When you’re trying hard to “do it right,” it’s easy to slip into another kind of performance. You might start looking like the emotionally evolved man—but still avoid what’s real. You might share your story in public, but skip the hard conversations at home.

Authenticity isn’t about image. It’s about alignment. Don’t aim to impress. Aim to connect.

2. Waiting to Feel Ready

Growth rarely shows up with a green light. You might hold off on journaling until you “know what to say,” or wait to open up until you’re more “together.”

But clarity comes from doing, not waiting. Start unsure. Start awkward. Just start.

3. Going It Alone

Traditional masculinity often teaches us to isolate. To keep it together. To figure it out by ourselves.

But healing doesn’t happen in a vacuum. Find one person—a friend, a therapist, a group—where you don’t have to wear the mask. You don’t need a crowd. You just need connection.

4. Trying to Fix Instead of Listen

When someone opens up, it’s tempting to offer a fix. But most of the time, people don’t need advice—they need presence.

Trying to fix can send the message that their pain is a problem to solve. Listening—fully, quietly, without interruption—is one of the most powerful things you can do.

How to Practice Healthy Masculinity Every Day

You don’t need a grand strategy or a perfect morning routine to begin. Small actions are often more powerful than big intentions. Here are a few ways to start living into this new version of masculinity—today.

• Journal something real. Even if it’s just two sentences. Let it be messy.
• Tell the truth when someone asks how you’re doing. Just once this week.
• Set one boundary that protects your time, energy, or peace.
• Ask another man how he’s really doing—and mean it.
• Let yourself cry without apologizing. No disclaimers. No shame.
• Say “I don’t know” out loud, even when it’s uncomfortable.

Pick one. Practice it. Then do it again. You’re not trying to master masculinity—you’re learning to show up.

Closing Thoughts

“The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change.”
— Carl Rogers

Healthy masculinity isn’t about becoming someone else. It’s about becoming more fully yourself.

Not harder, but braver. Not louder, but more present. Not perfect, but real.

You don’t have to get it all right. You just have to keep showing up.

“You don’t need to become a new man. You just need to stop hiding the one you already are.”

I don’t have it all figured out—and that’s okay. Real courage is about owning where we are, even when it’s uncertain. This work isn’t about arriving; it’s about continuing.

You don’t need to become a new man. You just need to stop hiding the one you already are.

What part of healthy masculinity feels most challenging for you right now?

What would it look like to take one small step toward that today?
I’d love to hear your thoughts in the comments.

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💬 Frequently Asked Questions About Healthy Masculinity

Still curious? You’re not the only one. These are a few of the questions I hear most often — and ones I’ve asked myself, too.

❓What’s the difference between healthy masculinity and toxic masculinity?

Toxic masculinity pressures men to hide emotions, dominate others, and act like they have it all figured out. It disconnects us from our full humanity.
Healthy masculinity is about showing up with integrity, empathy, and emotional courage. It’s not weakness — it’s strength that isn’t afraid to feel.

❓Is healthy masculinity just about being more emotional?

Not at all. It’s not about swinging to the opposite extreme. It’s about expanding what strength looks like — to include emotional honesty, not exclude toughness or resilience. You don’t have to stop being strong. You just don’t have to fake it anymore.

❓Can I still be masculine if I don’t fit the old stereotype?

100%. Masculinity isn’t a costume or checklist — it’s about how you live and show up. There’s no one “right” way to be a man. Healthy masculinity gives you room to be real, not rigid.

❓What if I’ve been living by the old script for decades — is it too late to change?

Never. Growth doesn’t expire. The fact that you’re asking this question means you’re already moving. Small shifts create big momentum. You don’t need to be perfect — just present.

❓How do I talk to my son (or kids) about healthy masculinity?

Start by being what you wish someone had shown you. Let your kids see you express emotion, take responsibility, ask for help, and own your values. You don’t need a script — just honesty and presence.

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Related reading:

Redefining Masculinity: What It Means to Be a Strong Man Today
How to Build Real Confidence Without Faking It
Being a Good Dad Without a Role Model: Fatherhood Without a Map
How to Build Stronger Relationships For Men – Without Losing Yourself

Elsewhere:

Watch Brené Brown’s TED talk ‘The Power of Vulnerability’.
Read an interview with Terry Crews in Time Magazine: ‘‘Men Need to Hold Other Men Accountable”.
APA Guidelines for Psychological Practice with Boys and Men (PDF)