“Joy is not a luxury. It’s the stuff of survival.” – Ross Gay
“We must risk delight. We must have the stubbornness to accept our gladness in the ruthless furnace of this world.” – Jack Gilbert
Joy can be complicated, especially when you’ve been through hard things, or when the world feels heavy. For a lot of us, joy doesn’t come naturally anymore. It feels out of reach, or like something we’re not allowed to feel. But that doesn’t mean it’s gone.
There’s a kind of joy that you don’t see coming. It’s unexpected, almost accidental. It can be the light hitting just the right way, a warm dog asleep at your feet, or a silly joke that makes you crack up more than it should. These are just a few examples of moments when suddenly everything feels okay, even if it hasn’t been.
But then there’s often the voice that follows it:
Should you really be feeling this?
How about all the problems that are still unsolved?
How about all the suffering in the world?
Don’t get too comfortable.
You haven’t earned this yet.
It may sound a little different every time, and a little different for everyone. Speaking from personal experience, that voice used to win, and make those moments of joy evaporate as quickly as they came up. Sometimes, it still does.
What a waste, right?
“Joy isn’t a reward. It doesn’t work that way. It’s a birthright.”
I’ve spent a lot of my adult life trying to deserve joy. Trying to become good enough, productive enough, healed enough. I felt like joy was something you could only reach after checking every box, like it was a reward for hard work or progress. And even when I did feel it, I struggled to stay there. My brain would interrupt the moment with guilt, self-consciousness, or analysis. I’d overthink it until the feeling was gone.
It reached a point where I didn’t allow joy to last at all, and I realized it was time to change something.
Here’s what I’ve learned since: Joy isn’t a reward. It doesn’t work that way. It’s a birthright.
If you, like me, have forgotten how to access it or trust it, you’re not broken. You’re just human: maybe tired, or guarded, but still capable of joy.
This post is about finding your way back to that feeling. Not through forced positivity or awkward, hollow affirmations, but through small, honest shifts in how you relate to the present, and to yourself.
Let’s talk about what blocks your joy, what brings it back, and what it might mean to reconnect with joy, even if you’re still struggling.
Why Joy Feels Out of Reach (Even When Life Looks “Okay”)
“Being fully human is not about feeling happy, it’s about feeling everything.” – Glennon Doyle
Joy isn’t always as simple as it sounds. For a lot of us, it’s not just a matter of “thinking positive” or focusing on the good. It’s more complicated than that. Especially if you’ve learned (often subconsciously), somewhere along the way, that joy isn’t entirely safe.
You might recognize yourself in some of these beliefs:
- “I don’t deserve joy until I’ve worked harder.”
It’s the productivity lie, telling you that rest and pleasure have to be earned, not simply received. - “I don’t deserve joy while other people are suffering.”
As if your joy somehow cancels out your compassion. As if you not allowing yourself to feel joy would make other people feel better. - “I can’t feel joy because I’ve numbed everything.”
When you’ve been running on survival mode, suppressing anxiety, sadness, or fear, joy can also begin to feel like a language you’ve forgotten how to speak. - “If I let myself feel joy, I’ll look silly. Or worse: vulnerable.”
Because joy can be loud, or messy, or uncool. And if you’ve built your identity on being measured or reserved, that kind of unfiltered expression can feel scary. - “I can’t enjoy things that cost money or take up space.”
Because somewhere deep down, you’ve associated joy with indulgence, and indulgence with guilt.
If any of these sound familiar, you’re far from alone. These are all protective beliefs, trying to shield you from disappointment, shame, or judgment. But as a side-effect, they also keep joy at arm’s length, even when it’s right there in front of you.
Psychologist Brené Brown, in her research on vulnerability and joy, found that “the most terrifying, difficult emotion we experience as humans is joy.” Why? Because apparently, when we feel joy, we often immediately brace for loss. We rehearse disappointment or minimize the good, just in case it doesn’t last.
So let’s be clear: joy isn’t weak or naive. It takes actual emotional courage to feel joy fully, especially when another part of you is bracing itself for disaster.
That’s why reclaiming joy matters. It’s an important part of what A Different Kind of Brave is all about.
How to Feel Joy Again (Without Faking It)
“We long for life to be different, for things to be better, for ourselves to be more. But the miracle of life is that we don’t have to wait.” – Tara Brach
You don’t have to ignore all your doubts to feel joy. You don’t have to fake optimism or pretend everything’s okay. Letting joy in can start smaller than that. Sometimes, it starts with simply noticing what doesn’t shut you down.
“Notice what feels even slightly okay. That’s enough for now. It’s a beginning.”
Here are some gentle ways to practice letting yourself feel joy without pressure:
- Start with presence, not pressure.
Like I wrote in the introduction, joy often hides in the unremarkable: things like warm laundry, a favorite song, the smell of something familiar. But if your mind is somewhere else (replaying mistakes or racing ahead), you’ll miss it. So let’s start by gently coming back to where you are. Let’s take the pressure off it.
Try this:
Instead of asking, “What should make me feel happy right now?” Ask, “What feels even slightly okay in this moment?”
That’s enough for now. It’s a beginning.
- Let small moments count.
We tend to discount joy unless it’s big, Instagram-worthy, or life-changing. But those expectations make joy harder to reach. I’ve always appreciated this quote by Kurt Vonnegut: “Enjoy the little things in life because one day you’ll look back and realize they were the big things.” And isn’t that the truth? So let’s lower the bar completely. Notice what feels nice, easy, or even a little bit warm. A breeze. A melody. A bite of something good. These count. They always did.
- Don’t analyze joy. Experience it.
If you’re someone who lives in your head (hello!), your instinct might be to explain joy when it shows up. Where did this come from? How long will it last? What does it mean? The questions make sense, but they’re not helpful.
Try this instead:
When you feel joy, let it exist without a label. Let it be a physical experience, not a cognitive task. I keep reminding myself: joy isn’t a problem to solve, but a state to inhabit, even if only for a moment.
- Sometimes joy leaves you feeling a little raw. That’s normal.
Don’t beat yourself up for coming down from a high moment. It doesn’t mean the joy was fake or wrong, it just means your nervous system isn’t used to it yet. You’re recovering. It’s okay to feel tender afterward. It’s part of the process.
- Give yourself permission, even if it feels fake.
You don’t have to believe you deserve joy to start letting some in. At first, you just have to decide that you’re allowed to feel okay, even when things are hard. You’re allowed to feel light, even when other things in life feel heavy. You’re allowed to laugh, even when you’re healing.
Letting Joy Be Seen
Like I mentioned above, sometimes we keep joy small because we’re afraid it makes us look silly, or soft, or too much. Especially if you’re used to being guarded, or measured, or in control, joy can feel risky, because it shows. And when people see it, you might wonder: Do I look foolish? Do I seem self-indulgent? Are they going to expect more from me now?
But here’s the thing: joy connects and invites. When you let yourself light up, it gives the people around you permission to do the same. It can soften walls. It can open doors. You don’t have to perform it. You just have to stop shrinking from it. Let it be seen, even if it feels risky or awkward at first.
Letting Joy Stay
This is another one of those things that seem straightforward, but are pretty damn hard to achieve. Just remember for now: you don’t have to chase joy. Start by stopping to run from it.
It’s already woven into moments of your day. You’re just out of practice seeing it, or too guarded (or tired) to fully feel it, and that’s perfectly fine. Keep noticing. Keep choosing to stay open a little longer each time you do.
“You don’t have to chase joy. You just have to stop running from it.”
Joy isn’t a destination. It’s a collection of moments that come and go, waiting for you to allow yourself to notice them, and for permission to stay a little longer.
If this post resonated with you, share it with someone who might need permission to feel joy too.
Frequently Asked Questions About Letting Yourself Feel Joy
What if I feel guilty for feeling joy while others are suffering?
Compassion and joy aren’t opposites. They can coexist. Denying yourself joy doesn’t reduce anyone else’s pain. In fact, your ability to stay connected to joy can make you more resilient, empathetic, and available to others.
How can I feel joy when I’m still healing or depressed?
Joy doesn’t have to cancel out pain. It can slip in between the hard moments. You don’t need to be “done healing” to feel it. Let it bring some light into your darkness, even if it’s for a brief moment.
Is it selfish to seek joy when the world is such a mess?
No. I understand the question, because I used to worry about that. But joy doesn’t make you selfish. It makes you human. And it often gives you the strength to face the mess with more clarity, energy, and compassion. The world needs people who can feel and act, not just shut down.
What if joy feels too intense or scary?
That’s a real thing. Sometimes it brings up fear of losing it, or not being able to hold it. Go slow. You can build your tolerance for joy the same way you build strength: bit by bit, gently, with time.
Related Reading:
How Men Can Deal with Anger Without Shutting Down or Blowing Up
How to Build Real Confidence Without Faking It
10 Songs That Changed How I See Masculinity
How to Get Out of Your Head and Back Into the Moment
Elsewhere:
Podcast with Brené Brown on Accessing Joy and Finding Connection in the Midst of Struggle
Read an article by Tara Brach on Committing to Joy
Harvard Health: How can you find joy (or at least peace) during difficult times?
Mayo Clinic: Tips for embracing joy in daily life
Dennis is the main writer behind A Different Kind of Brave, where he explores masculinity, emotional resilience, and the quiet courage it takes to show up fully in life. Originally from the Netherlands, he now lives in Florida with his wife, son, and two dogs.